The Family World Cup - Mom 0: Kids 3

Four different people asked me if I was okay today. What was wrong with my face? I don’t know. I didn’t see it before I left the house. What did I look like? Well, I hope okay but that too was not checked before exiting the door, in a huff, this morning. Four hours later when I removed a puffer jacket because I hadn’t checked the weather report and everyone else was sleeveless, I realised I was a house in chaos.

That’s what’s wrong with me. And no, that is not okay.

I am a bit of a control freak. So when I plan something in my head and that plan falls to smithereens, it rattles me. That has been happening a lot in the last three months, as, I've had a sick family for three months. How is that possible? You ask. And trust me, I hear you, but I have three kids and a husband. It has been circling around our pond like hungry sharks and every one has had a turn to be bit by the flu bug.

It’s messed up so many plans: plans to wake up early and exercise, plans to spend time reading or writing (things that involve cerebral activity,) and plans to be cool, calm and collected. Instead, I become angry mommy. I become grumpy friend. I become that person who moans and gripes and seems satisfied with nothing.

I hate that person.

But when I'm in a funk, exhausted from being coughed on all night and fighting my own bugs and flu-focused demons, I find myself desperate for time out. As all moms do, eventually. I just feel as though I am hyper-critical and want to cringe when I open my mouth. Yet I can't stop myself. Which makes me wish I could shut up even more. And the cycle continues.

I look at my world when the pawpaw is hitting the fan, and realise very quickly that those around me are carrying on with their lives. What gives? Don’t they know what I'm going through?? Well, I stop myself from saying that. I am also hypersensitive, did I mention that? Especially when I am feeling depleted and exhausted. It’s when I wish I was weaker, (or stronger?) and could collapse into the heap I am feeling to be and cry my eyes out; regardless of who was there.

A few months ago, we had a spate of funerals and tragic deaths. Literally five funerals for our family in two weeks. Emotionally, I was stuffed when that was done. So I took a “me day” and watched movies that made me cry ugly tears. I needed to demented cry. I needed to "let it all out," as the moms on American tv shows suggest, and when I did I felt better. 

And I realise that sounds a little dramatic, perhaps a little depressive, but sometimes we need to do that – let it all hang out. 

Alternatives to the ugly cry? Well, running, I guess. Or kickboxing. Some sort of physical exertion. Bring your body to heel. Feel some physical pain. And of course get the endorphins to go with it.   

Other alternatives? Eating a tub of ice-cream. Going for a massage. A long walk in a pretty space. Some seriously loud music on a long drive in a fast-moving car. A swim in an ice cold pool. 

It's a pity we can't always do that with someone by our side. But we don't need to be with someone to express how we feel. Scream into an empty space and see how good it feels. 

It's also a pity that we need to do it at all. 

But when things are rough, I've learnt the hard way, there is more damage to be done by trying to contain it all than by simply going with it and reaching a healthier conclusion. Life is challenging enough as it is, without having to keep a lid on our honest frustrations. So don't. For your sake, as well as for those around you. 

John Steinbeck said it best, "And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good."