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The Indignity of Motherhood/A day in the life...


As I wipe the puke up off the nursery floor, I have to wonder at the amazingly un-glamorous day I have had. There certainly isn’t much dignity in motherhood. Especially when the little ones are still incapable of telling you what their cries mean. Littlest one, for instance, decided she was over full tonight. Hence the projectile vomit, repeat bath, upholstery and floor clean. At almost eight pm. On my own while hubby entertains clients in a fancy restaurant.

If I take it back to the first part of my day, I need to give you the background information that we are potty training toddler at the moment. I’m one of those “Yay!” moms. When she successfully does a poo, for instance, she is congratulated as though she had just won a medal at the Olympic games. It’s also fun in our house. When there’s a number two in the potty, I ask her to touch her toes and gently wipe her botty. 

So when I got up to do my morning ablutions, my toddler was there to bear witness. I showered, and she offered to wash my feet. I washed my hair, and she reminds me to close my eyes. We brush our teeth together and laugh as the foam goes all over her mouth. And then it was time for me to do my number two. She pushed me forward when she heard the ‘plop!’ and asked to see if it was big or small. Then she shouted, for all who had ears, “Yay! Well done Mommy! Mommy did a BIIIIIIIIIIIIIG poo!’ (It wasn’t that big, but all things in relation here.) And finally, you could probably guess, she asked me to touch my toes. Don't worry, this is where I drew the line and employed some stealthy distraction tactics.

Anyway. The day continued as we got dressed. You see, apparently Toddlers panties are too small, since she is becoming a big girl now. This meant that she needed to rummage through my underwear drawer and choose a pair that matched her little outfit for the day. Said outfit involved a pink long sleeve t-shirt, a red and white polka-dot dress and purple tights with purple gumboots. We decided that my lacy leopard print undies were not suitable. Nor was the grey thong. But she found a pair of my ‘hospital knickers’ – the ones I wore after a c-section that come all the way up to my armpits. She chose to wear those, fortunately, under the purple tights.

I had a hair appointment and was planning on leaving her at home for some quality time out. Needless to say, this was not to be. Toddler told me, emphatically, that her hair was very dirty and needed a trim. A TRIM?? The almost-three year old told me?! So she tagged along for the ride. She was amazingly well behaved, even though it was lunch/nap time and super boring for her. I kept her occupied by painting her nails various colours: green and blue and glittery purple among her favourites. But then, it was her hair wash time. Oh, she loved it, and told the assistant that she did a great job washing her hair. I was having a treatment and toner and all of that stuff, but no problem for Toddler, who hopped on to my lap and washed me from the front. It’s quite something getting four hands in your hair washing at the same time. Quite something indeed; must have made quite a picture.

And finally home. If you think it ends there, don’t be fooled. Noodles and tom sauce for lunch, (Don’t judge! They are veggie noodles, gluten and egg free.) And some cheese. Littlest one is sleeping and so we eat in the play room. That was mistake number one. Not asking where she was going with her tea pot, mistake number two. Watching her pour four cups of ‘tea,’ and then some ‘tea’ over her noodles, mistake number three. Final and most flawed mistake, I ate the damned tea drenched noodles. They were revolting, as I am sure you can imagine.

We then tried to pack for a holiday. I needed seven beach-outfits; she unpacked almost her entire wardrobe. But she remembered that she needed to pack her snorkel and the fact that it was in my car; impressive for an almost three-year-old, I thought. You should see the suitcase! A rain coat, WAAAAAAY too many outfits, twenty pairs of shoes. I will be repacking the suitcase while she’s asleep tonight.

Speaking of which, I put her to bed, and she fell asleep soundly after only half a story. Little one was niggly though, which explains why the food came up later, I guess. As I thought she was falling asleep, she chose to vomit it all up. Okay, I know it wasn’t a choice. Rocking chair, shaggy carpet, wooden floor, white trousers, clean pyjamas and cottage pie. Bleh.

Am I bitching about my kiddies? No, not at all. It was an amusing day, to say the least. Toddler was also super friendly to the countless builders around the house today; showing off her spotty dress to all who could see. Baby is finally over her ear infection and was her usual happy self today.

We have an exciting holiday coming up and I know that the girls will be little stars on the aeroplane and at the hotel. Plus they will love the beach time and the family time. But more that what they will gain from the holiday, we will enjoy numerous moments of huge creativity, amusing actions and certain paternal indignity.

   

 


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