Saying goodbye to crappy friends


I don't let go easily. It's hard for me to say goodbye to Christian Grey, let alone a friend who's been around for longer. (Or even real!) I just hate having awkwardness out there and even unresolved issues. I guess it's because I share my feelings more openly than some; I hate secrets. But I can't think of more than a handful of people who I would cross the street to avoid. 

It sucks when a friendship falls apart and there are unresolved issues that hang around - but won't ever be addressed. I am really not a "leave the loose ends loose" kinda gal. I like things tied up. (Too much Fifty Shades?) I like questions answered, t's crossed and i's dotted. I've even gone so far as to have a "break-up tea" with a friend just to formalise our parting of ways. And what’s worse, especially if you ask my Mom, I seem to have a romanticised idea of what a friendship should be, and will thus hang on even when friendships are well past their expiration date.

There's that friend who refuses to accept a friend request on Facebook, but equally stubbornly refuses to explain why. Then there's that friend who constantly says, "We should see each other more often/speak more often," but then waits months before saying hello again. Then, of course, there's a friend, who used to be more than a friend, and for reasons totally unrelated to the here and now, seems to feel it's okay to press your number whenever they need an ego boost or a trip down a-more-exciting-than-now memory lane. Am I the only one who has any of these? Surely not?

"Pick up your stuff and move on," I hear my mother say. "Put your past in your behind," I hear Pumba tell Timon. "Cut them off," my brother says. But pragmatism is not something that comes naturally to me. And like I said right at the onset, I don't let go easily.

I guess what I am really hoping for is something that only happens in fiction: a miraculous reconnection followed by a better than ever reunion. Too many chic-lit novels and too many rom coms, methinks. Friendships in the real world come with all kinds of baggage. Take the friend who refuses the friend-request, if she actually accepts it, don't I deserve to know why she refused for so long? And if the friend who says we should see more of one another eventually rocks up wanting to spend more time together, should I actually make the time? And finally, that more-than-a-friend who cuts you off then rings you up then cuts you cold finally rings you up again... do they deserve to even have your number or are you just a sucker for cruel and unusual punishment? (Again, with respect to Mr Grey.)

Thus, I am making a decision today and I invite you to do the same. Say goodbye to crappy friends. I'm not going to send off a mass email letting them all know that their subscription has been cancelled, but I am going to build a wall around myself with a giant gate and refuse to give them the key to enter. It's better for all of us in the long run, isn't is? And maybe de-friend some of them on Facebook.

Some of my so-called friends have yet to meet my children (the older of the two is now almost three.)  Some of these friends have neglected to wish me a happy birthday or congratulate me on becoming a mom. Some people are just takers. I doubt they've read this blog or even know about my book.

I have friends who live thousands of kilometres away who would do anything for us to be able to have a drink together, or to play with my kids, or for us to do a little jam session on the ivories - if only we could. I have friends who I physically ache at the absence of, as though we were twins separated at birth. There are friends living across oceans, that I know for a fact would be at my funeral, no matter the inconvenience. Needless to say, these friends aren’t in a huge abundance, but the half dozen or so, they are worth their weight in gold. They are incredible blessings - even though we don't spend nearly enough time together. 

So what qualifies people as friends worth having? I guess that's a question bigger than what one post can handle. But here are some of the criteria I consider paramount: thoughtfulness (I like to know friends think of me from time to time,) confidentiality, quality time, acknowledging the big things that happen in my life, acknowledging the little things that happen too, sharing a past and honouring it. Not being a taker.  

Some of the people I now consider my closest friends are people who, had I met them now, may not have been my natural choice for friends. But I couldn't do a day without them. Some of these folks have undergone personal changes that make them almost new people entirely, but somehow, we morphed in similar directions. It's amazing. And here, I don't only mean my childhood friends who remain as dear to me as they were twenty-seven odd years ago, I also mean friends I made in high-school throwing eggs at one another, and friends I made in university over far too many glasses of pink champagne. 

Life moves us in separate directions, this is true. But at a point, it (the separation, that is) becomes something that may benefit us. The parting may not be physical, but when it happens, it takes some serious balls to look at the relationship and isolate its worth from the baggage associated with it. Sometimes just being acquaintances is also okay. Sometimes we need to take the lessons and move on.  

The Bible warns us not to cast our pearls before swine. Friendship, when it is real and true, is indeed a pearl. Ask yourself, 1. Is this person adding anything of value to my life? 2. Am I adding anything of value to this person's life? 3. Is there a chance that we may, one day, add value to one another's lives? 4. Will they miss me if I walk away? and 5. Why haven't I walked away yet? Four 'No's' and a 'I don’t know' and you may have yourself a crappy friend. (Please note, this little quiz was made up by me, not some clever psychologist.)  

Tonight I aim to begin the purge, starting with Facebook. I am going to be a pragmatist of note. And maybe in the morning, I'd have lost a few kilograms of baggage. But there is also the chance, and I apologise if this is the case, that I may wake up with a few friends reading this post, and thinking, “Hey, Black Kettle…”   


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