Today is my sixth wedding anniversary. Its iron or candy, depending on which anniversary tradition you follow. I have bought my husband speciality hand crafted chocolates from a chocalaterie in Oudtshoorn of all places, because we went on a road trip through the Karoo recently, found them and loved them.
He got his assistant to buy something off a wish list I have on a cooking equipment website online and the only surprise will be which pot it is.
I really love surprises.
I also really love thoughtful gifts.
Sadly, hubby isn’t so good at either.
But since it is an anniversary, I get nostalgic and pensive. I made a mental list of all the things hubby doesn’t yet know about me.
1. I don’t like conversation in the morning.
2. I don’t drink rooibos tea; I would rather go without.
3. I love surprises.
4. I am a stickler for keeping things in their right place.
5. I don’t like it when people lose gifts I have given them.
6. I hate it when he arrives home and sits in the garage talking to someone on the telephone for half an hour. Or fifteen minutes.
7. I like it when people answer me when I address them directly.
8. I love cuddles.
9. Given the option, I always choose chocolate.
10. When I am reading, it’s my quiet time, please be quiet.
11. I like to pee in private.
12. As for poos, refer to number 11.
13. Given the option, I like to wear black. Never pastels. Sometimes browns. Sometimes brights. But never pastels.
14. I like drinking drinks out of a long glass. I don’t see the point of a short glass. Unless its for shots.
15. I drink tea or coffee in wide mugs. Narrow mugs make hot beverages stay hotter and I drink my hot beverages quite cool.
That’s a good enough start. Fifteen things he has yet to learn about me. It hurts when he doesn’t remember these things, actually. Because by now, surely, he should know these minor details? I get upset because it is like making my characteristics insubstantial. The specifics of ‘me’ are ignored. A husband, I believe, should know his wife best of all.
It’s like the fact that I have no special nickname. He calls me what he calls our daughters and what he calls his sister and sometimes what he calls his mother. I’d like a special nickname. The fact that we have a nanny called Angel, a daughter nicknamed Angel, a wife nicknamed Angel… all adds to confusion and unilateralism. A wife wants to be singled out as a-nickname-above-other-nicknames, special-above-other-special-people. But Hubby does care deeply and dote freely.
So since this is not a place for me to bitch about my husband, who I adore, let me mention the things that he does know about me.
1. I like cooking equipment.
2. I love books and reading and writing.
3. I love red wine and chocolates.
4. My family will always come first.
5. I have the bad habit of letting care for myself fall behind when it interferes with care for others.
6. I'm good with money.
7. I'm bad with numbers.
8. Music is my lifeblood.
9. I take prayer and faith seriously.
10. I am a wannabe runner.
11. I like consistency.
12. I like predictability.
13. I like being on time.
14. I'm efficient and organised.
15. I have a free spirit.
The last three on the list actually came out of his mouth. So they must be true.
I guess it boils down to the fact that either the big things, or the little things are important. Within a marriage, either the deeper things or the shallow things are what count. It matters more that he understands what my Last Will and Testament says, than how I drink my tea. It matters less that he understands I am a sometimes moody cow first thing in the morning, than I become a far more moody cow if I am late for something. And by late, I mean not there five minutes ahead of schedule.
When I opened my present, it was exactly what I wanted. No surprise addition, no sneaky camouflaged decoy gift. It was just what the box said it would be. And I love it. In a way, it was a lot like my hubby. Exactly what I had wished for, on some imaginary wish list. In fact, about fifteen years ago, our pastor challenged us at a young woman’s camp, to write down all the qualities we were hoping for in a potential husband. My list read something like this: makes me laugh (tick), enjoys reading and the outdoors (tick -if it’s a Wilbur Smith novel or something similar- and tick), gets on well with my family (tick), is a Christian (tick), respects my wackiness (tick), there are spaces in our togetherness (tick), has blue eyes (tick), will be a great father to our children (HUGE tick) and cares for the less fortunate (again, tick). He needed to be smart (tick) and he needed to be personable (tick).
Come to think of it, I should dig up that list again and be amazed at just how perfect for me my husband truly is. I read it the night before we got married and even then, I was so excited at all the ‘ticks’ he was getting. I was then, and am still, enormously proud of the man who chose me.
So six years is a long time, but a drop in the ocean when you are aiming for a diamond anniversary.
Yes, I wish he knew some more of the trivial stuff, but I am so pleased that he knows the not-so-trivial stuff so well. I think, given that this is a commemoration of sorts, that it’s important to remember what marriage should be, and to me it should be an equal partnership. But I like the definition that is mentioned in the Bible of a working partnership in Proverbs: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” (And the irony that I use that scripture verse on my iron anniversary is not lost on me.) But I like to think that ultimately, we bring out the best in each other.
It would be exceedingly boring if we could pre-empt one another’s every move and exist without a spark or two flying. It would also be extremely dull if there lay fifty four years or so ahead of us and we already knew all there was to know about one another. Marriage should also be an adventure. And herein lies the challenge: making an adventure happen even when you are both exhausted and complacent.
I guess that’s why they say marriages are hard work. And now, apparently I have an itchy year to look forward to, which means even more hard work. Fortunately, marriages may be hard work, but loving him is easy. And even after over a decade of courting and six years of marriage, he still does and says things (often!) that amaze me.
Maybe in years to come, hubby will learn to embrace the idea of a surprise, but I fear the nickname horse may have long ago bolted. That’s all okay. Tonight, on our sixth anniversary, we ate chicken soup for supper, on our laps, chatting to toddler and watching tv, before crawling into bed early. The weather is miserable and the week ahead is a busy one. He was already half asleep before his head hit the pillow, having fallen asleep putting toddler to bed. But we did manage a cuddle. And I love a good cuddle. Happy anniversary my love.
Thank you, as always, for choosing me.
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